Sorting Hat
by DragoonHP
Summary: A collection of wicked oems on Sorting Hat. Not suitable for readers under 14. Enjoy


**Author's Note****:** Hello once again. If you don't know me, it's fine because I'm Mr. Nobody for some bloody reason. Now about this fic or rightly saying poem, it's about the Sorting Hat after it had been burned down by Voldemort. The burning of it had addled with its brain power and so came a new and rather grumpy sorting hat. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

**DISCLAIMER****:** Sorting Hat, Hogwarts School of Magic, Hogwarts houses and Professor Flitwick are the sole property of J.K. Rowling or JKR for some or Jo for some or even Joanne Rowling for some. I do not intend to make fun of the wonderful world JKR had created for us. I just want to tinker with it a little bit to spread laughter.

**Contents****:** Medium language, curse words, explores the boundary of the **T** [**Teen**] rating.

**A Notice: **To all the people who are easily offended, **turn back now**. And now to the people who will read it. If you read it and don't review it you will be cursed for life. Because you are now under an Unbreakable Vow and mine one don't kill, it punishes. Ask **AAL** for consequences because she is experiencing them.

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_**SORTING HAT  
SCENE — I  
SORTING OF FIRSTIES**_

I'm the Sorting Hat,  
Listen to me you prats.

I'm the Sorting Hat,  
And this is my new flat;  
Be patient, come on try me,  
Put me on your fat head.

Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin,  
I will tell you where you belong;  
Are you a geek or a freak,  
I will tell you all along.

Because I'm the Sorting Hat;  
And you are in my flat.

Come on, come on don't waste my time,  
I have some gits to sort;  
I'm the famous ingenious hat,  
And you are a bunch of spoiled brats.

Tick, tock, tick the cloak is running,  
I don't have much time to spare;  
Flitwick what the hell are you doing,  
Levitate those brats up here.

Merlin beard! Another Hufflepuff,  
We don't need sod like you;  
Jump off from my chintz chair,  
Before I bite your head too.

Bring me another student to sort,  
But beware I'm going to rape his head-off.

Flitwick, Oh Flitwick, I thought you were smart,  
But you have brain smaller than my arse.

Oh yes, oh yes, what we needed the most,  
A witty Ravenclaw like you;  
Just do all of us a favor;  
And don't start dissecting your food right here.

Buzz off, buzz off, what are you waiting for,  
A speech in your bloody honor;  
I will personally pity the Ravenclaw house,  
If there's one more goner.

Flitwick, Flitwick, my dear Flitwick,  
I wanted to ask you one thing;  
Why are you getting shorter and shorter,  
With every passing rumbling.

Oh, oh, oh another student to sort,  
I am surely going to resign from this post.

Why the hell are you scared,  
Have you lost your teddy bear.

Ha, ha, ha I know now why you are scared,  
You are a bloody Slytherin heir.

I don't understand, tell me one thing,  
Why haven't you lot, caged in a whim;  
Vanish from my sight, you dirty sod,  
Before I kick you down like a football.

Listen to me you Slytherin mites,  
And take me friendly piece of advice;  
Run out from the Hogwarts school,  
Before I poison all your food.

Flitwick, Flitwick you are a lazy sod,  
You are worse than a Slytherin on board.

Where's the next git I need to sort,  
Then I have to give interview to some moron.

Oh, oh, oh here comes a mighty Gryffindor,  
Who think of himself as a hero;  
But let me tell you one thing dear,  
You have heroism matching my rear.

Now buzz off, buzz off you little bugger,  
Before I stick Flitwick into your rear.

Now I'm proud to say that,  
The sorting has end;  
And I can finally sleep well,  
Without worrying about a bickering old hag.

So, now for all of you little buggers,  
I have something to say.

You don't mess with the Sorting Hat,  
Because if you do, I will addle your brain to hell;  
Because I'm the great Sorting Hat,  
And you are a bunch of babbling arse.

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**A Plea****:** If you found my work offensive, all I can say is I don't intended it to be that way.

**Author's Note****: **Hello once again. I here take time to say thanks to **AryaAliceLuna** who was the first one to read it and was the one who encouraged me to post it here. She found it abusive and offending, but nevertheless funny. So, I hope you are going to **review** it here young lady.

Now about the poem, I hope you liked it. If you want to read **SORTING HAT SCENE II** [**AryaAliceLuna**, you won't get it beforehand, you too will have to wait. Now, now don't pout it won't work on me and no not that look*shudders*] review and review and review and so on. . . If you manage to kick the reviews to 11, you will get the second installment of **SORTING HAT** series.

So, click the blue hyperlink which read Review this Chapter which is preceded by a yellow commenting-balloon.

So, thanks and keep reviewing.

And may Merlin bless you all.

**P.S.****:** I'm hiding under Fidelus Charm to save myself from the wraths of Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw and ultimately Salazar Slytherin and not to mention all those who think I have derogatory-ised JKR beautifully created world.

**PATENT****:** All the new type of swearing found in the poem, are the sole property of the author and shouldn't be used until the said person gets permission from the author. And yes it goes without saying that the story is sole property of the author and no one except JKR, herself is allowed to copy it without a notification and permission from the author, which unfortunately here is me, yours truly, **DragoonHP**.

Ah… I always wanted to say something like that.

Anyway, enjoy. {The Author's Note is getting quite long, possible longer than the poem anyway. I should stop now, I think. Oh thank Merlin, it haven't gone longer than the poem.}


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